Excel Sheets & Accountability - (aka. the Polyamory-Jealousy Tango)

Imagine walking into a silent disco with zero set choreography because everyone is dancing to a different song. The image of people moving in perfect synchronicity alone, and with their partner, while others twirl with a whole group. That’s polyamory.

-As much as I love an Excel sheet to plan my dates-, this relationship style is not (just) a strictly timed routine. It's more of an improv silent disco. Usually, people live it honouring two principles:

1. they send each other lots of memes

2. they always try their best

Over the last few years, I have come to learn some "rules" that have made my relationships easier to handle. One is that the dance only works when everyone on the dance floor takes responsibility for their own moves. This can look like owning up to the mistakes we make, talking about our feelings (especially the hard ones), and doing the personal work it takes to make a multi-partner dynamic successful. When you’re open with your partners about your emotions, boundaries, and desires, you create an environment where honesty and trust can just happen.

And yes, that includes talking about jealousy. Spoiler alert: polyamorous people feel it too. It’s part of being human and growing up in our current society. But here’s the thing: jealousy should not be used as an excuse to control someone else’s behaviour. Instead, it can be seen as a signal - a little flare that tells us something inside needs attention.

When jealousy shows up, I find it helpful to see it as an opportunity to ask myself, “What is this really about?”. Maybe I need reassurance on an insecurity, maybe some boundaries need changing, or maybe one is longing for more time or connection. Whatever it is, change happens when you consciously direct your focus to your own feelings - then, you could make a respectful request (your "best case scenario") where your needs are met without restricting your partner(s)' freedom.

For example, instead of saying: “I don’t want you to see them,”

You might say: “I miss you. Could we plan more one-on-one time this week?”

The goal isn’t to control your partner, but to find a way that honors both your needs and their autonomy. In healthy non-monogamous relationships, freedom and love go hand in hand - you can’t have one by sacrificing the other. Fortunately, there are Excel sheets to organise all the freedoms and all the love.

Chiara